“That did NOT just happen”: Reconciling with reality

There are times when a situation comes up in our lives that we have a hard time reconciling. It could be a comment someone made to us that gets under our skin, when something that happens that we don’t know how to accept, or when someone else’s behavior (or even our own) doesn’t match our expectations.

You might find yourself thinking something like, “How can this be happening?” or “How could she do that?! A real (friend/ mother/ doctor/ daughter/ wife) would never do that!” Or it might be something along the lines of, “How could I have done that? If I were a good (friend/ mother/ doctor/ daughter/ wife) I would never have done that!”

In situations like these, our idea of what should be and the reality of what is conflict. This discord creates stress for us. We might find ourselves replaying an interaction or circling and circling the same thoughts. We get stuck in the story.

Another sign we are stuck in our story is when we catch ourselves telling friends what happened, in the same way, over and over again.

Until we change the way we talk to ourselves and others about the situation, we will remain trapped in the same pattern.

When you change the way you tell your story it opens the door for the story, and therefore the thoughts and feelings that go with it, to shift.

How can you begin to tell a different story? How might you start a conversation with yourself and others that is different from the conversation you’ve been having?

Getting really accurate about what’s actually happening now can be a good first step. Notice what you are saying to yourself and question it: “is that really true?” Be particularly suspicious of thoughts with words like, “always,” “never,” “everything,” or “should.”

Ask yourself what feelings are coming up around this situation; see if you can name them. Challenge yourself to speak from your heart about what is true for you, rather than speaking from your mind’s version of the situation.

When you have a mental model of how things should be, or how you want them to be, this drives your expectation of how things will play out in your life. Reality often refuses to comply with our mental models, however. What are the expectations you had in this situation that aren’t being met?

As you begin to break down the old story, it makes room for a newer, more accurate understanding of a situation. When you can make the story big enough to hold reality – that’s when you return to peace within yourself.